Web diary

We had to go to the hospital again today. We saw Dr Zorio about her fractured arm and made an appointment to see the orthopaedic surgeon. Then we saw Dr Slutzkin, the therapist. During the interview with him, we talking about her anger and the effect it has on those around her.

I’ve been talking so much of her anger, and all the other stuff that is rubbing off on me and I am wearing thin and storing up all this stress and tension… tension about whether we will get through this or not. I am at boiling point and starting to crack myself. In Dr Slutzkin’s session, I began to crumble and felt the tears spring to my eyes but I had to push it back. I could feel a volcano bubbling inside me. How do I release it? Where? I can’t do it in front of her. I haven’t found anywhere safe to release it, and I still have to stay strong. So I sank into a depression – feeling hopeless and helpless. I need hope. I need to know all this is leading somewhere. If I could only get her reassurance that she is coming to Australia...

After dinner, I asked Laura for her assurance that she would move to Australia. But she won’t give it!!. She cannot see any joy or possibility of a future and so she won’t say yes. She is still continually talking about suicide.

But I can’t live much longer in this place without the basic ingredients I need to live: my friends, love, support, compassion and understanding; release from fear, injustice and oppression; my work, the sea, the free sweet fresh air of Australian society and attitudes. I can’t live here. I made my choice 15 years ago and it was the right choice for me. But I can’t go and leave her alone and neglected. AND SHE WON’T COME WITH ME... what am I supposed to do?